Bad phase?

It's been a long few weeks here at our house. I'm hoping it is just a phase and that it will soon be over. Camilla is ignoring me, It seems like that everything I ask her to do she ignores me the first time. I remind her and remind her, she throws a fit, I threaten punishment but nothing works. She sits in her room, she gets spankings, she gets the computer taken away nothing seems to even register to her. I haven't found a punishment that seems to work for her. By the end of the day, I am exhausted, I feel like she has won, I feel like a terrible,failing mother, I feel angry and so inadequate as a mother. To be angry at your child is a terrible feeling, I just don't understand her. It's almost like she enjoys getting into trouble. She enjoys pushing my buttons as hard as she can. She is so stubborn that if it's not her idea then she doesn't think it needs to happen!


I love talking to experienced mothers and the encouragment they always give me. Half the time I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing as far as dicipline for her. Am I really capable of raising her right? But, when I talk to other Mom's I feel a new sense of confidence. They reasure me that yes, what she is doing is normal,yes, lots of other 4 year olds do they exact same things, yes, she is a beautiful,spunky and vivacious little girl. I think that if any mother at some point in their life say that they were confident in what they were doing with their kids that they would just be well, full of it. Nobody knows for sure if they are doing the exact right thing with our children. We have a good idea, we know what we want them to be, or how we want them to act but we can only gently shape thier lives and hope that they can see that we are trying to help them.
My eyes have been opened when it comes to raising children. Before I had Camilla, I thought it would be so much easier, I blamed parents for how thier kids acted. I am ashamed of the negative thoughts I had for parents when I saw kids misbehaving. I think of the saying often of walking a mile in someone elses shoes, I can't judge what I have never experienced. Now, I have such a great appreciatioin for Mom's around me who seem to be doing such a good job. I know a little bit the extent of the work that they have put in on raising thier children.
I wish I could be a fly on the wall sometimes when I'm dealing with Camilla. To get an outsiders view on what I am doing right and wrong. I know that I can be extrememly aware of what she is doing and think its wrong and then have people tell me we didn't even notice her doing anything wrong! I can be so uptight in thinking "what is everyone thinking about her?" They must think I'm doing a terrible job! I'm thankful for the encouragment from other people who have been there done that. I am trying to do my best and that is all I can do.

Worry is a negative emotion. Care is positive.
Worry saps our energy (just like blame). Care fills our heart and lifts our spirit.
Worry makes us ineffective. Care makes us compassionate.
Worry can't help someone in need. Care can.
I stole this from someone else's blog but really liked it. I can worry and worry about Camillas behaviour, but instead of just worrying I want to have more patience more understanding and more love that she is a healthy amazing 4 year old little girl. I think of parents who are dealing with cancer with thier little babies. My worries of her throwing a fit in the store can seem so small.
I know that someday I will look back on these days and smile and miss them! It seems a long way off, but I am thankful for her little spirit and sweet smile. I'm thankful I get to stay home with her everyday (thank you Ian!) I'm thankful she is ours to keep.

We're going to miss this girl.

Love you Lila!

Month

2 of Clomid, think pregnant thoughts! haha, that sounds kinda creepy.. Anyway doubled my dose so hopefully it works. I am getting very anxious, if this month doesn't work then that means I only have 4 months left to try. I know it doesn't help to be stressed out, so I'm trying to stay calm. Our job is going to be the death of me, always something new. Plus babysitting 5 employees is such a job. It is hard to feel responsible for these peoples incomes and to need them yet not want to baby them along.. We just let one guy go the other day and it is hard. But, he also wasn't very smart. He asked if he could borrow money so he could buy gas because he needed his own money to party for his friends birthday. WOW, super smart. It becomes pretty obvious when people give up on their job, but they just are obviously not desperate enough to want a job or think they can get a new job! (Good luck with that!!) So, I try to be thankful that we do have a job that allows us to pay our bills and buy our groceries etc. Life goes on, I need to be thankful for what I have! :)