Time is passing

Well here we are the beginning of August already.  In less than 2 weeks my little girl will start school.  I can't believe the time has already come. I remember thinking a few years ago that I have so much time before she starts school.  Time has flew by and I don't think either of us are ready for her to go! :)  She is nervous about going, she doesn't have much experience of being with kids she doesn't know.  With her not being in daycare or pre-school, the only experience she has is when we go to the playground or gym and she plays with kids there. But otherwise she's just used to the kids we go to meeting with.  I go back and forth at whether I should've put her in pre-school or not. Part of me says, well she has 12 years of school ahead of her so why does she need even more? The other part of me said, she needs the experience of being with other kids and being with a different adult.  Of course now it's too late so we'll see how she does!
I've been thinking about guilt and how as a mother, it just seems to be hard wired.  I have so much guilt when it comes to Camilla.  She has been the best and the hardest thing in my life.  I wonder did I make the best of her time at home with me?  How many days did I waste, not doing things with her while I had the chance.  That is what is going to be hard now with her in school.  Before it was just lets go here or lets go there and off we would go.  Ian never has weekends off and so if he does get a day off its always in the middle of the week.  I wasted many days I know.  With Keaton it has been even worse for my poor daughter.  He wants to be held a lot and is still nursing a lot during the day.  It's such a hard thing to juggle with a baby, a 5-year old, a house, a business, a husband let alone any time for myself. Once again the guilt thing can just run me over!  Keaton takes priority (when he's hungry)  and then my house oh man it is a disaster. I have pretty much gave up on that, Ian is not really ever here so he's easy to deal with!  My time alone? Well that isn't that important.  With Camilla she needs more attention then all of it I think.  She needs things to keep her occupied or she just gets into trouble.  She has SO much energy yet will be perfectly happy being on the computer for hours (I'm guilty as charged) So to try and find enough things to do with her and to take her places that are fun or do something here that is fun takes a lot of energy on my part.  When I don't do a lot with her then here comes the guilt. Yet sometimes I'm so tired physically or emotionally from everything going on in life where I just can't do it! So I'm really trying to work on that these next few days before she goes to school.  Yesterday was a hard day for us.  Ian had been gone for 2 days working and I had been having issues with breastfeeding so Keaton was even more fussy than usual, he hadn't been sleeping well. So needless to say this Momma was tired, stressed, sore and just kinda done!  I took Camilla to Barnes and Noble one of her fun things she likes to do. It turned into a disaster, she lost her straw for her drink, spilled it, Keaton was fussy, Camilla wanted books, I didn't want to buy her books, I wanted to leave, she didn't want to leave.  Then to top it off we went to Walmart to shop which I don't know why I went there because last time I went I swore I wouldn't go back. But I needed more then just food and thought it would be easier then going to 2 stores. HA Well it wasn't because they never have enough checkers and so we waited in line probably 15 minutes.  Camilla was wanting things and touching everything, Keaton was fussy wanting out of his carseat and so by the end of  that I was ready for a NEW day!   So last night was a long night, Ian didn't get home till 10:30, Camilla had got into trouble earlier in the day for not listening and got the computer taken away, which is a bad thing for me because then she's all over me and Keaton and getting into everything and getting into more trouble.  I lost my patience and just mostly told her to go away and find something to do besides bother me and wake up her brother.  She started crying and so did I.  I felt so bad and so guilty of course and vowed just to please have more patience at being a mother and especially at being a mother to Camilla.  Not a proud moment of my mothering but I'm just being honest.  I know I'm not the only one with guilt issue, I'm pretty sure it's pretty common among us mothers.
Anyway this is really wordy and I hope I don't get judged to harshly on my poor mothering skills but it's good to just get it out!  I love my children and hope I can do good to them.