I am not good at keeping my own secrets.. I'm not a very private person. If I'm feeling an emotion, its pretty easy for me to let it out. Today my 2nd cousins wife died. She was 30, has 3 young girls. I did not know her well, but have really appreciated her and her husband's faith in God. They know,knew that God has a plan for them. They had faith in that plan. I wonder what Gods plan is for me? I have a daughter who is 3 years old. She is amazing, but yet so frustrating at times. Some days I wonder, can I handle any more children? The truth of it all is that maybe that's all I'm going to have.
Yesterday I was at my in-laws. There were 4 woman there including me. My sister in law, my mother in law, a family friend and myself. Both the sis in law and friend are pregnant. People were telling me that Camilla needs a brother or a sister. I know she does, I really wish that she could. But my body is not cooperating. Like I said, I'm not good at keeping my own secrets. I'm not looking for sympathy,I just like to tell things the way they are. As the days go on with no results, I wonder how do people get over not being able to have a child or any more children? I can't let it overwhelm me with sadness or grief.
I believe in Gods plan. Jessi believed in Gods plan, she knew that her children would be safe in Gods hands after she passed. I need to trust in his plan for all things.
These last few weeks have been so emotional for me, I feel like this post is half crazy. I feel like its time to just move on with life and focus on Camilla. But like I said I'm not good at keeping secrets.. I need to just get it out.
The other day I put on a dress to go to a funeral and Camilla said My Mommy is pretty! My heart melted, she is SO amazing to me. I love her spirit of loving me even though some days it feels like all I do is tell her no.
Convention is in a few days. In fact I'm missing Weds and most of Thurs to go to a fertility Doctor.. Is it a waste of time? I made the appt months ago, not realizing the date. Is there hope, or should I just cancel it and get a full convention?
I never thought I would be here, but here I am. I can't wait for convention. I know it will be SO good for me.
My wish for her, a happy life.
3 comments:
thinking of you Jeanie-love you! We will see you there!
Jeanie, you say you're not good at keeping your own secrets, but you're very good at expressing your heartfelt feelings and that's a gift in itself. I wish you the best in your efforts to have another baby and feel certain that you'll have the strength of faith to accept the outcome, whatever it is.
In case you don't remember me, you & your folks were in our home for union mtg once in Escondido when Kara was in our field. You were hugely pregnant w/ Camilla at the time. (We have since moved to TX.)
Have a wonderful convention this week. It's amazing how things always get put back into perspective at convention.
Hi Jeanie, I think you are very brave saying what you've said. No matter what our current struggle is, it is always hard to overcome our human nature and just trust God. I have lived in this place for over a year now and I am still struggling with being content where I am...I have to admit I hated it in the beginning and it's taken a long time to accept being here. I know you will be able to face whatever the outcome is in your struggle. With Jessi's passing, I feel so overwhelmingly grateful that we have God to help us with these moments of grief and pain and sorrow. Where would we be if we didn't have that? Wishing you all the best, Sarah
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