Bad phase?

It's been a long few weeks here at our house. I'm hoping it is just a phase and that it will soon be over. Camilla is ignoring me, It seems like that everything I ask her to do she ignores me the first time. I remind her and remind her, she throws a fit, I threaten punishment but nothing works. She sits in her room, she gets spankings, she gets the computer taken away nothing seems to even register to her. I haven't found a punishment that seems to work for her. By the end of the day, I am exhausted, I feel like she has won, I feel like a terrible,failing mother, I feel angry and so inadequate as a mother. To be angry at your child is a terrible feeling, I just don't understand her. It's almost like she enjoys getting into trouble. She enjoys pushing my buttons as hard as she can. She is so stubborn that if it's not her idea then she doesn't think it needs to happen!


I love talking to experienced mothers and the encouragment they always give me. Half the time I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing as far as dicipline for her. Am I really capable of raising her right? But, when I talk to other Mom's I feel a new sense of confidence. They reasure me that yes, what she is doing is normal,yes, lots of other 4 year olds do they exact same things, yes, she is a beautiful,spunky and vivacious little girl. I think that if any mother at some point in their life say that they were confident in what they were doing with their kids that they would just be well, full of it. Nobody knows for sure if they are doing the exact right thing with our children. We have a good idea, we know what we want them to be, or how we want them to act but we can only gently shape thier lives and hope that they can see that we are trying to help them.
My eyes have been opened when it comes to raising children. Before I had Camilla, I thought it would be so much easier, I blamed parents for how thier kids acted. I am ashamed of the negative thoughts I had for parents when I saw kids misbehaving. I think of the saying often of walking a mile in someone elses shoes, I can't judge what I have never experienced. Now, I have such a great appreciatioin for Mom's around me who seem to be doing such a good job. I know a little bit the extent of the work that they have put in on raising thier children.
I wish I could be a fly on the wall sometimes when I'm dealing with Camilla. To get an outsiders view on what I am doing right and wrong. I know that I can be extrememly aware of what she is doing and think its wrong and then have people tell me we didn't even notice her doing anything wrong! I can be so uptight in thinking "what is everyone thinking about her?" They must think I'm doing a terrible job! I'm thankful for the encouragment from other people who have been there done that. I am trying to do my best and that is all I can do.

Worry is a negative emotion. Care is positive.
Worry saps our energy (just like blame). Care fills our heart and lifts our spirit.
Worry makes us ineffective. Care makes us compassionate.
Worry can't help someone in need. Care can.
I stole this from someone else's blog but really liked it. I can worry and worry about Camillas behaviour, but instead of just worrying I want to have more patience more understanding and more love that she is a healthy amazing 4 year old little girl. I think of parents who are dealing with cancer with thier little babies. My worries of her throwing a fit in the store can seem so small.
I know that someday I will look back on these days and smile and miss them! It seems a long way off, but I am thankful for her little spirit and sweet smile. I'm thankful I get to stay home with her everyday (thank you Ian!) I'm thankful she is ours to keep.

We're going to miss this girl.

Love you Lila!

Month

2 of Clomid, think pregnant thoughts! haha, that sounds kinda creepy.. Anyway doubled my dose so hopefully it works. I am getting very anxious, if this month doesn't work then that means I only have 4 months left to try. I know it doesn't help to be stressed out, so I'm trying to stay calm. Our job is going to be the death of me, always something new. Plus babysitting 5 employees is such a job. It is hard to feel responsible for these peoples incomes and to need them yet not want to baby them along.. We just let one guy go the other day and it is hard. But, he also wasn't very smart. He asked if he could borrow money so he could buy gas because he needed his own money to party for his friends birthday. WOW, super smart. It becomes pretty obvious when people give up on their job, but they just are obviously not desperate enough to want a job or think they can get a new job! (Good luck with that!!) So, I try to be thankful that we do have a job that allows us to pay our bills and buy our groceries etc. Life goes on, I need to be thankful for what I have! :)

Positive or Negative?

This post is for me only, not about anyone else.
I think that it is a choice we have to make for ourselves every day. Especially being a woman, our emotions can get the best of us really easily. It's easy on days when you wake up, you don't feel tired, you didn't spend the whole night dreaming crazy/bad dreams (something I do frequently, not fun.)etc.. It's easy to wake up and be positive and happy and go on with your day. But on days when you get woke up by your husbands phone ringing and you hear the annoying voice of someone who has to do with work or you wake up and your daughter has wet the bed or well you get the picture. It's easy then to be negative. But, we have a choice! For those of you who are mothers, you know that when you are negative it affects negatively on your kids. It's easy to lose your patience, it can even be easy to take your frustration out on your kids or husband. Which is not fair.


I have a choice each day to be positive or to be negative.

On our nice sunny days Camilla will say, "It's just a beautiful day Mommy!" What a beautiful little spirit my girl has. It is a beautiful day, to be alive and healthy and only have minor every day problems.

Love this Zac Brown Band song, the words are so true.
"You keep your heart above your head and your eyes wide open
So this world can't find a way to leave you cold
And know you're not the only ship out on the ocean
Save your strength for things that you can change
Forgive the ones you can't
You gotta let 'em go"

Camilla and the porcupine.

I've been really loving my little family the last week or so, more than usual I should say. It's a good feeling to be content..

Snow

Around here we don't get a lot of snow, so we get pretty excited when we do get some! This was probably the longest I've ever seen it snow here in Redding.
These next 3 pictures were actually taken at my parents house.
For some reason this picture cracks me up! The picture makes the dogs look a lot closer then they really are. Plus they aren't really fighting, so I'm not a terrible mother! :)



Anyone want to jump?

The Ford dealership.:)

A really private post

Disclaimer: This blog post is by no means a personal attack on anyone I know or do not know. My point is that we all have ways of doing things but it doesn't mean its the best way for everyone else.

It annoys me that people think that people who share their lives are only sharing because they want attention. Just because you may be a really private person doesn’t mean that other people are wrong because they aren’t private. I share a lot on here, not for attention, not for pity, not because my life is so shallow that I have to go to a blog or facebook to share what is happening in my life. I share because it’s my therapy, it’s what I do with my blog. It is how I want my blog to be, honest and real and almost everyone knows a woman who has had fertility issues and it isn’t easy. It’s how I live my life, not beating around the bush just saying it as it is.

It’s easy to think that our own ways are the best ways, but that is SO not true. It is the best way for US and maybe not the best way for someone else!
My opinion is if you get so offended or annoyed at people writing personal stuff then don’t be on facebook or don’t read other peoples blogs!

On that note, I took my first Clomid today, and I’m going to leave that vague just to annoy people! hahaha Also I wore my underwear inside out all day and my bra on backwards.

Just kidding about the bra part, but not the underwear part..

:)

Happy Birthday Camilla!

I CAN NOT believe that my little baby is already 4! Just doesn't seem possible! She has been asking for her birthday party to be at Chuck E Cheese for months now, so I finally gave in. She had a blast so it was worth it!
This is called the ticket blaster, air blows the tickets all around and she tried to catch them. I have a video I'll try to post if it will work! She loved this!

On a ride, she is really good at having her eyes closed for pictures!

Her cute little cake!

How hard is it to get all 3 of us to have our eyes opened and look at the camera? Apparently very hard since we had 3 pictues taken and none of them turned out good!

Camilla with Chuck E Cheese.


She is getting so big and is really turning into this big girl. She is starting to behave better and we are having SO many good days! I am so glad to have her and am so thankful for her sweet little spirit and of wanting to help Mommy with things. A lot of times when I ask her to do something she will so Okay Mommy. Which before it was a fight constantly but she is learning that I am boss! Woohoo! :)
Mommy and Daddy love you so much Camilla!